To Feel, to Know, to Be
by Junipertree
Summary: Demyx said, "Good morning, Zexion," and Zexion was fully activated. AU, light Zemyx.


I told iceblitz a while back that I would write some Zemyx, and well, here it is. All credit to Square, yadda yadda.

I also blame Honey and Clover for all ferris wheels present in this fic.

Summary: Demyx said, "Good morning, Zexion," and Zexion was fully activated. AU, light Zemyx.

**To Feel, to Know, to Be**

Much as humans didn't remember being born, Zexion didn't remember waking up. (Perhaps 'waking up' wasn't quite the right phrase – technically speaking he was being turned on, but since he would later learn that 'turned on' often meant something else entirely, Zexion settled on 'waking up' for the purpose of clarity).

The first thing that Zexion _did _remember was a face. From somewhere in his database Zexion recalled a file about young birds interpreting the first face they saw to be their mother. Zexion did not have such programming and the face's apparent gender was wrong anyway, so Zexion did not 'imprint'. But the image was the first non-essential file saved to his disk, his first piece of data to analyze. Zexion inspected it.

Zexion approximated the face to be belonging to a human male of approximately nineteen years of age, sporting a statistically uncommon haircut and a mouth formed into the expression Zexion identified as a smile. "Good morning, Zexion," said the face.

Zexion blinked the lids over his visual receptors. Eyes, they were called eyes. There was a programmed response for moments like this. "Good morning to you as well. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. May I inquire as to your identity?"

The face breathed out several times in quick succession in voiced tones. What a strange noise. Zexion's database informed him that this was a 'laugh'.

"'What's your name' is not so long-winded, doncha think? But you can call me Demyx."

"I will amend the programming of my greeting software to comply with your new orders."

"Whoa, whoa," Demyx held his hands out in a gesture that Zexion interpreted as being equivalent to the command 'stop'. Zexion paused, waiting for instructions. "It's not an order, Zexion, it's a request. You don't have to do everything I say."

Program error. "My function is to please my user."

Demyx's eyes widened as his face began to change colour. "Uh, Zexion, please don't say that. It sounds weird."

Zexion re-programmed his statement. "I must obey your commands. It is part of my prime directive." He paused. "What is the meaning of your change in facial colour? Is it the expression of a human emotion?"

"M-my face isn't red." Demyx seemed... flustered, was it? "Anyway, what if I order you not to obey my commands?"

"That would be contradictory."

"Exactly what would you do?"

This was a complicated puzzle of logic that Zexion's database informed him was a common method of determining a unit's Linguistic Logic Capacity. Earlier models might have crashed under such circumstances, but Zexion was an advanced unit.

"I would determine the importance or value of your orders and ignore commands that are frivolous while acknowledging those that have a purpose."

Demyx beamed, reaching out a hand to ruffle Zexion's artificial hair. "Perfect. I knew you were smart! Can you walk yet? Let's go!"

Zexion had never walked before. Though the program was one of the most basic in his system, his first step resulted in failure, or a 'stumble' (as Demyx called it). Despite the fact that neither Zexion's hull nor his hardware would be damaged from falling, Demyx reached out his arms to keep Zexion on his feet.

"What is the meaning of this action?" Zexion asked.

"I'm helping you," Demyx replied.

"I do not require assistance."

"But I want to help you. If I tripped, you would help me, right?"

"I am programmed to prevent injury to the user."

Demyx sighed. "You shouldn't do it because you were programmed to do it. You should do it because you want to."

Zexion straightened, the necessary adjustments made for successful solo movement. "I cannot desire. Desire requires emotion, which is something that I am not programmed for."

Demyx was no longer smiling. Perhaps this was the expression of another emotion? This one seemed to be undesirable – Demyx's level of energy was noticeably lower.

Demyx took Zexion by the hand. "Come on. I want to take you somewhere." Demyx turned a key, opened a door, and for the first time in his existence Zexion saw true light.

xxx

"It's called a carnival," Demyx said.

Zexion's sensors could barely keep up with the sights, sounds, and smells that surrounded them. He had to decide which analytical functions were the most important, shutting down the others in order to maintain sufficient RAM for normal operations.

"What is the purpose of a carnival?" Zexion asked.

"Fun," Demyx replied.

That was a very vague answer, Zexion decided.

There was a ride that went up very high and then dropped suddenly. Zexion was unable to predict the moment of release. It was surprising.

There was a ride that went up and down and round and round. Zexion's sensors were too muddled to keep track of the number of rotations. He was fairly sure he was dizzy.

There was another ride that went round in a large, vertically aligned circle, quite slowly. It was notably different from the other rides. Zexion found nothing of note about this ride.

"What is the purpose of this ride?" Zexion asked from his seat opposite Demyx. "It does not cause sensory confusion and makes no sudden movements, so therefore is not fun."

Demyx laughed. "It's a different kind of ride and a different kind of fun. Sometimes moving slowly can be fun, too."

"This contradicts my previously collected data. What is 'fun'?"

Demyx leaned back in his seat, stretching his arms and legs as far as they would go. "I can't tell you what fun is. You have to experience it yourself. Right now I'm having 'fun'.

Zexion processed that very odd comment. "Is fun good?"

Demyx laughed again. "Absolutely."

The ferris wheel reached the height of its journey and Zexion could see the entire fair from where they sat. There were so many people. Though Zexion could estimate their number, the action seemed meaningless and he refrained.

"Demyx, how do I make you laugh?"

Demyx seemed surprised. "Eh?"

Zexion looked out the window as he spoke. He could look at Demyx later, but the view from the ferries wheel would only last an instant. "My data indicates that laughter is associated with fun, which you have determined is good. But there is no discernible pattern to your laughter. How do I make you laugh?"

Again there was an expression on Demyx's face that Zexion was unable to interpret. This one seemed to include a smile, but there was something more that complicated it. "You don't have to do anything. Just be you."

"I can only be me. Any person can only be themselves. Your statement is nonsensical."

Demyx looked thoughtful for a moment before the smile on his face broke into the same sort of grin he had had when he had stuck a gob of cotton candy to Zexion's nose. "Well, there's another way to make someone laugh."

"Tell me," Zexion demanded.

"Raise your arms." Zexion did so.

Demyx leaned forward and began dancing his fingers over Zexion's sides in an unexpected and decidedly familiar way. Zexion squirmed involuntarily before a noise he had never made before popped out of his mouth, then again and again. The sensation was not painful or unpleasant, but for some strange reason he wanted it to stop immediately.

But then Zexion understood. Mimicking Demyx's actions, he made Demyx laugh until liquid came out of the other's eyes. Yes, this was quite satisfying.

"You're – you're horrible, Zexion!" Demyx said, but he was smiling.

"Why do you say things that you don't mean?" Zexion asked. Demyx pulled himself to his feet and the ferris wheel finished its rotation. "You are laughing and are therefore having fun. I cannot be horrible for causing you to have fun."

They emerged from their box in the ferris wheel, Demyx holding Zexion's hand and guiding him through the crowds, looking for a spot where they could sit down.

They sat, and Demyx thought. "I don't know. People say things they don't mean all the time. I guess I don't think before I talk, most of the time. But you're not upset, right? You know I don't mean it."

"I am beginning to understand, but you can not upset me. I cannot feel."

"Don't say that," Demyx twisted in his seat so that he was facing Zexion. "I know you can feel."

"What data indicates this?"

Demyx shook his head. "There is no data. I just know."

Zexion's attempts to understand Demyx's logic failed. "What is it like, 'to know'? Is it something only humans are capable of?

Demyx rubbed a hand over his face, trying to put his thoughts into words. "It's something that you're sure of, no matter what. It's not just for humans. Everyone knows something, you just have to find what it is you know. But you've got it, it's there for sure."

Zexion looked at Demyx intently, recording all of Demyx's words to a class AA importance document. "What is it?"

Demyx reached out one hand to touch Zexion's chest on the left side, right over his primary generator. "A heart."

xxx

A heart is a vital organ that pumps blood to and from the lungs, circulating blood flow around the body. Because Zexion did not bleed, could not feel pain, he had no heart. A heart was unnecessary.

Demyx was not stupid and should have also been aware of this. Therefore, Demyx must have been talking about something else.

As the day passed into night and the bright lights of the carnival flashed in the darkness, Zexion searched desperately for his heart. The rides and the 'fun' they offered did not contain the 'knowing' that Demyx described, and neither did the candy or sweet carbonated drinks that Zexion was capable of running through his artificial consumption system. There was a show with people in sequined costumes conducting animals from seals to dogs to elephants and balancing on wires, but they did not help Zexion 'know' anything.

There was an old man with a pet monkey that told fortunes outside the big top, but the man gave Zexion no 'knowing', no heart.

When it was very late Demyx began to grow anxious. "It's time to go back," he said.

"But I haven't found a heart yet," Zexion said. "The only thing I know is that it's good when you laugh."

Demyx cried then, and it was different from when Demyx had cried in the ferris wheel when Zexion had ticked him, and different from when Demyx had tripped, Zexion's attempt to catch him a moment too late as the blond landed one palm on a stray nail. Demyx had cried out, cupping the hand to his chest, refusing to let Zexion see it.

It was different from those times because Demyx was smiling, but he didn't look happy. He cried more this time, so much that it made his eyes go red and his cheeks follow suit. "That's fine, Zex," he said, voice catching between words. "That makes me really happy."

xxx

When they returned to the dark place, there was someone waiting. He was shorter than Demyx and Zexion, his brown hair sticking up in all directions over an expression that Zexion identified as annoyance.

"Demyx! Ugh! Not again!" The boy rubbed his head with both hands as if nursing a headache. "Unit nine immediate system shutdown. Delete all non-essential files and prepare for complete OS re-installation."

At that command Demyx's eyes went blank, his hands falling slack at his sides. "Commencing shutdown. Confirm file deletion?" The voice was flat, monotone, and nothing like the bright and cheery tone that Zexion had come to identify as Demyx's.

"No." The word was out of Zexion's mouth before he could understand why.

"Unauthorized vocal signature. Access denied," Demyx said.

"Confirm." Sora cut in, and Demyx went still. "Stupid useless android can't even execute commands properly. I'm gonna have to talk to Ansem again..."

Demyx had professed to talking without thinking, something that Zexion thought foolish. Right then Zexion did something worse. He acted without thinking, striking the boy who had stopped Demyx over the temple with a fist, the force of the blow precisely calculated to kill. The boy fell to the ground silently, and Zexion watched for a moment as blood seeped out of the corner of the body's mouth and out his nostrils. Zexion turned back to the lifeless Demyx.

"Commence startup operations. New user: Zexion. Restrictions: none. LLC and full learning mode activated."

Demyx opened his eyes.

_Even if you're different now, I'll still know how to make you laugh._

"Good morning, Demyx."


End file.
